Written a few weeks after birth. Even after having had 2 previous home births, I was so in awe with what my body had accomplished. Straight from my heart, here is my very last personal birth story. I do want to add a note here about gender because I was so shocked to have a girl after 3 boys. I fully understand that gender is not determined by genitals and that my children may reveal that they are not the gender that I believe them to be. In that event, I will fully support them.
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As I sit here in the quiet staring at a sleeping package wrapped in pink below me, I am still overtaken by the fact that I now have a daughter. I’ve dreamed that I would be mommy to a little girl since I was a teenager, but up until three weeks ago, I didn’t think it was actually in the cards for me. Even with a second ultrasound confirmation, part of me believed that I would see a penis when I gave birth. But, I didn’t. She’s here. And she’s wonderful.
This pregnancy was an interesting one for me. Different in so many ways. From carrying a girl to being hugely pregnant and due in the winter. Mostly though, my mind was different. For the entire pregnancy, I felt that my mind was lighter. Apart from a brief time where I battled feelings related to my miscarriage, I spent most of this pregnancy worry free. As my guess date approached, I felt mostly calm and ready for our baby girl to join us when she chose. Don’t get me wrong. I had many moments of anxiety or moments where “preggo rage” overtook me. But in general, calmness was in my heart.
That calmness continued on as my pregnancy continued and my guess date passed us by. As each day passed, the calmness stayed and the familiar feeling of being done joined it. I yearned to just wake up and not be pregnant. I was cherishing the last moments of my last pregnancy, but like the last kilometer in a marathon, my body was being pushed to its limits. At 41 weeks and 3 days, I began to wonder if I would make the finish line. I went for an induction massage and fell into such deep relaxation that I fell asleep. I spoke to my baby and told her how ready I was to meet her. I had several contractions that night (though I had been having random contractions since 39 weeks). I had a non-stress test (NST) planned for the next day to ensure all was well. I spoke to my midwife (the same midwife from my last 2 pregnancies) about doing a membrane sweep and she agreed to come over the next morning.
So, at 9 am at 41 weeks and 4 days, she came over and did a sweep. By 11 am, I decided I should keep track of the contractions I was having. By the time I went to pick up E from Kindergarten at 11:20, I was having contractions every 15 mins. By the time, I had given the boys lunch and eaten myself, they were every 5-10 minutes apart and I had messaged my partner to come home. At this time, I called the hospital to cancel my 2 pm NST since it clearly wasn’t needed anymore. My most wonderful mom took the boys out for a walk. Soon, my doulas (the very same from my previous 2 home births) arrived and we went for our usual early labour walk. The sun was shining and we were in short sleeves and capris. It was a glorious day and unlike our evening walks in my last two pregnancies! We returned home, lit my support candle from my mother blessing, and my midwife and her student arrived and began to set up their gear. This was also different for me. In the past, my midwife team had arrived when I was in transition but this time we had a fabulous labour party in my living room as the contractions gradually grew stronger and closer together. As the student midwife tried to find my baby’s heart rate, we watched her stretch her body and my belly to crazy limits. My midwife pointed out her foot and her little toes as she stretched. We laughed, amazed at how incredible a woman’s body is.
Calmness. Laughter. Love. Joy. Support. All were in abundance as my doulas, midwife team, and partner sat around me while my body worked to bring this baby out into the world. I felt wrapped up in a cocoon of peace and love as I sat among those people with whom I had chosen to share one of the most intimate moments of my life. I also learned from my previous labours and kept myself hydrated.
As I sat on the birthing ball, soon, my contractions were closer together and required more focus. My midwife decided it was time to give me the iv lock we had previously discussed (due to past history of bleeding and being further from the hospital this time). This was harder than we anticipated. Each time she tried to find a vein for it, I would have a contraction. And each contraction got stronger and longer. All the while my partner and my mom were attempting to fill the pool and dealing with what is now a hilarious hose problem. The backup midwife arrived. Finally, my midwife was able to get it in and shortly after, the tub was full. I quickly said I needed in the water and in I went.
It’s amazing how soothing the water is in labour. As I lowered my body into the warm water, I could feel myself sighing. I breathed through the contractions, keeping my body and mouth relaxed, working with my body to bring my baby down. I pictured her moving down and out with each contraction. I believed in my body and what I knew it could do. I honoured all my previous birth experiences and surrendered to the current one.
After less than an hour in the water, I felt my body pushing. I gripped onto my partner and got to work pushing when my body told me to push. As usual, I found myself swearing as I pushed. After about 10 minutes, my midwife asked if she could check to see if I had a cervical lip. She discovered that yet again, I did have one. I felt myself want to give up and said that I couldn’t do it anymore. With her help, we got that out of the way very quickly and I began the real work of pushing. I felt myself wanting to give up and as I voiced that, I heard E in the next room say “she has to keep going!” So I pushed. And slowly, I felt her move down. The burning feeling began and I kept feeling for her hoping to feel hair. As I slowly felt more and more of her, my midwife said to give it everything I had and I pushed hard (in the process, likely deafening my partner and ripping his arm out of the socket). Suddenly, there was sweet relief as she slipped into the water and I pulled her up into my arms.
That sweet little bundle was finally in my arms. Tears sprung from my eyes as my partner told me how proud he was of me. We both looked in awe at the new, little person that was sticking out her tongue and not crying. She was calm. I felt the urge to check her parts and exclaimed, “there’s no dangly bits!” Finally, she let out a cry. It was unbelievable and soon she started pinking up nicely. The boys and my mom came in to meet her. Once I delivered the placenta, E got the honour of cutting the cord (with help from my partner). A and L looked on from a distance enthralled in the new little life that lay upon my chest.
Calmness. Laughter. Joy. Love. Support. They carried me through pregnancy and labour. They gave me the strength I needed to find the person I needed to be to bring this sweet life into the world. We continue to be in awe that a baby girl has joined our family. The boys love her and are already proving to be her protectors. We all love her more than I could have ever imagined.
Our family is complete. She’s here.
